Hi Haya,
I am a 23 year old female and suffer from anxious attachment issues. I get attached easily and then create unrealistic expectations, expecting people to treat me the way I imagine an ideal partner/friend would.
My main goal is to gain confidence in myself, so that I can truly enjoy my own business and stop needing attention or validation from others. This constant overthinking really messes with my mind and affects my overall health.
Even when I spot these patterns, I still crave connection and I don’t like it. I would really appreciate any advice you could offer. This is the milder version of what I experience when I’m stuck with someone, when in reality it’s much worse. Please help me!
Dear Anon,
Thank you for expressing in words what you are experiencing. What you are experiencing seems exhausting, but not uncommon. It seems like you want a connection, but nothing seems enough and you’re stuck in this feeling of frustration and hopelessness, fearing abandonment and rejection.
I hear you refer to anxious attachment in your query. Understanding attachment styles is great for developing self-awareness and understanding our needs, which is very necessary.
While it is great that you are aware of attachment styles, I would like to emphasize that you should not label yourself and put yourself in a box because they are not set in stone, we can go through them. We may experience different types of attachments in different adult relationships.
Let’s first look at what these attachment styles are.
Attachment styles develop in childhood. Depending on the type of care we received from our first caregivers, each of us develops attachment styles. Secure or insecure (anxious, avoidant). Our attachment styles describe how people bond, seek closeness, and manage emotional intimacy in adult relationships, all rooted in caregivers’ early experiences.
So how can we heal insecure attachments?
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Insecure attachment styles are more similar than you think. They are caused by a feeling of insecurity in interpersonal relationships and a deep fear of rejection and abandonment.
Unhealed anxious attachment looks like:
- Ignore red flags.
- Fearing rejection.
- Being described as needy.
- Being attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
- Using the relationship to create a false sense of inner security.
- A confusing thirst for love.
- Welcoming other people to avoid abandonment.
- Abandon their own needs.
- Doing things to manipulate the other person into giving an emotional response – threatening to leave, provoking jealousy, provoking fear, or distancing yourself to “prove a point,” etc.
An unhealed avoidant attachment style looks like:
- Being attracted to anxiously attached people to have their need for intimacy met without having to do the work.
- Self-sufficiency and independence are more important than interdependence.
- Protect their freedom even at the expense of other important players in their lives.
- Refusal of commitment.
- He is unlikely to show feelings.
- Focusing on your partner’s faults to create an argument for “leaving him” or “treating him badly.”
- Focusing on fantasies of another person who seems better than your partner.
- Hypervigilant to any attempts at control.
- Make unilateral decisions that impact the partnership or another person.
- Flirting with other people
- Ignoring your partner’s emotions and needs.
- Find ways to sabotage the relationship.
The way to overcome what you are experiencing in your relationships is to realize that you are experiencing them. For example, for anxiously attached people, it’s about taking responsibility, learning to self-soothe, developing assertive communication skills, and setting boundaries when red flags appear.
For the avoidant, it’s about taking responsibility for the relationship. This means developing awareness of your partner’s needs, making “two-way” decisions and accepting influence, being comfortable expressing your feelings, and learning the difference between a boundary and a cutoff.
I hear you say that you want to develop a secure relationship with yourself. Here are some things you can work on:
Practice awareness and identify triggers
Become aware of when strong or intense emotions arise. Notice your feelings and what they mean before you act. If it’s too overwhelming, step away for a walk, collect your thoughts, and come back with clarity.
Regulate your nervous system
Triggered attachment can put you in fight/flight/freeze mode. In this state, you are more likely to act impulsively. Take the time to pause and breathe.
Identify your own needs
Ask yourself what you need. “What do I want in this situation? What would be right for me? How do I feel in my body about this decision? Does this feel like a good regulated decision or am I reacting like a ping-pong ball? A key step in healing is practicing validating your own experiences, fears, concerns, worries, desires, needs, preferences, and requests.
It means recognizing, “Yes, I feel this way, and it makes sense that I feel this way.” It’s about staying grounded in what you know to be true for yourself, without needing external confirmation or approval from others, especially those who might cause discomfort.
Build self-confidence
You may seek frequent and ongoing reassurance from your partners to manage your fears and insecurities, but this external reassurance often provides only a temporary solution and does not resolve the underlying hurt. Rather than measuring yourself for the approval of others, practice asserting your strengths, talents, and efforts. Keep a list of your personal accomplishments, whether big or small, and review it whenever you feel inadequate.
Broaden your tolerance for uncertainty and build your confidence
Consciously practice leaning into discomfort, facing your fear of abandonment, and letting go of your need for control. Every time you learn to survive the unknown, your confidence will deepen.
Repair your inner child
Work to identify and give yourself what you did not receive as a child. This can be done by giving yourself the love, support and kindness that you did not receive as a child. Be compassionate to yourself, forgive yourself for your mistakes, check in with yourself and comfort yourself if that’s what you need. You can think of this as treating yourself the way you would show kindness to an innocent child.
Challenge your thoughts
When you experience negative thought patterns, remember that even though they seem real, the thoughts are not necessarily true. Don’t believe all your negative thoughts and instead try to challenge them when they arise.
Externalize your feelings
Letting go of your thoughts and focusing them on something meaningful can be a healthy way to deal with strong emotions. This can be expressed through the creation of artwork, movement, or music.
Take responsibility in the relationship
As you become more confident, you will naturally strengthen your “taking responsibility muscle” and establish healthier emotional and energetic boundaries. This means learning to distinguish between what you can – and should – manage, and what belongs to someone else. If you tend to be anxious, you might feel compelled to “fix” your partner’s lack or mood swings to ease your own discomfort. True healing involves resisting this urge: you can’t control another person’s feelings, and trying to do so only frustrates you both.
Get to know yourself
We can be so attached to others and giving in to their needs that we don’t focus on ourselves. What do you like to do? Who do you like to be with? Get to know yourself and spend intentional time with yourself.
Work with a therapist
I would highly recommend working with a therapist. Through therapy, you can learn to recognize your attachment patterns, examine your feelings about yourself, and approach relationships with others in healthy ways.
Self-acceptance
Last but not least, accept where you are. We can spend so much time fighting against ourselves that we fail to accept where we are. Different experiences have brought you here, work with yourself with acceptance and compassion.
These are things you can actively start working on. Once again, I would like to remind you that attachment styles are not set in stone. You can develop a secure attachment style no matter how old you are or who you are.
—Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neurolinguistic programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.
Send him your questions by filling out this form or by email to [email protected]
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