Dear Haya,
I am a mother of three children, all under the age of 10: two of them go to school and one is a toddler. My problem is that I am unable to spend quality time with my children as a busy housewife and barely manage to check their performance in school. Both of my daughters attend classes, but I still feel intense guilt about my lack of involvement in their academic lives.
This is mainly due to the pressure of managing household chores and living in a joint family. We are one big family and responsibilities are also defined accordingly. I don’t mind managing my responsibilities and I do my best to give as much attention to my young children as possible.
This guilt of not being able to invest time in their academic life makes me feel bad as a mother. When I’ve finished all my nightly chores, it’s time to put my kids to sleep. I live in an ongoing cycle of mom guilt. How can I work around this problem? Please help me!
— A guilty mother
Dear Guilty Mother,
Thank you for contacting us and sharing your sincere concerns. As a mother of three young children living in a joint family, your challenges are valid and deeply relevant. Balancing responsibilities while striving to be fully present for your children is a difficult task, and the guilt you feel reflects how much you care about their well-being. These experiences are what make you human.
You’ve already identified the key area you’re struggling with: struggling to spend enough quality time with your children and being less involved in their academic lives due to the demands of running a busy household. It’s clear that the attention you’re able to give doesn’t seem like enough, which can understandably be discouraging.
Let’s explore what you can do to meet this challenge.
The first thing to understand is that you are a human being with limited energy and time. It’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s okay. Managing your time and energy in the way that feels most resourceful to you is the key to finding balance.
Keeping in mind limited time and energy, you need to ask yourself what matters most to you.
If your involvement in your children’s lives is something you truly value, you will need to devote your time and energy to it. Here’s how to get started:
Ask yourself:
- What specific ways can I spend quality time with my children, even in small moments?
- Are there any household responsibilities I can delegate or streamline?
- How can I create a balance that allows me to feel more engaged without overwhelming myself?
Here are some ways to do this:
Ask for help and delegate certain tasks: Living in a joint family can be an advantage. Contact your family members and let them know how this situation is affecting you and the children. Share specific ways they can support you, whether it’s doing certain tasks or helping with childcare.
Set limits: Delegate specific times when you focus on your children without any interruption from household chores.
Prioritize connection to perfection: Children value love and presence more than perfection. Even a few minutes of intentional connection can make a huge difference in their emotional and academic lives.
Create small, meaningful moments: A bedtime chat about their day, a quick hug, or asking them a specific question about school (“What did you learn today that made you smile?”) would give you some time to communicate with them.
Turn tasks into connection building opportunities: Involve your school-aged children in small, age-appropriate household chores. This not only lightens your load but also gives you time together.
Create mini rituals with the children: Children thrive on predictability. Small, regular rituals can help you stay connected without requiring a lot of time. For example, a 10-minute discussion about “school highlights” over dinner, reading a story together before bed, writing little notes for their lunchbox to show you care of you.
Reframe your guilt: Know that you are human and you are doing your best. No parent can do everything perfectly. Focus on what you do and what you can do and choose your battles. Reframe your guilt with gratitude, recognizing that your love and efforts, even if they are not always visible to you, are felt by your children. Express and communicate with them how you feel about them.
Remember, it’s natural to feel like you’re inadequate, but it’s important to give yourself grace. Recognize and celebrate your small victories; Every smile, every hug, every completed task is proof of your hard work and love.
What really matters is the love and care you give to your family every day. Even small adjustments to your routine can lead to significant changes. You do your best.
—Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neurolinguistic programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.
Send your questions to him at [email protected]
Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers to consult relevant experts or professionals for personalized advice and solutions. The author and PK Press Club.tv assume no responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided here. All published articles are subject to editing for grammar and clarity.
