Dear Haya,
I am writing to you with great distress. My partner says he’s breaking up with me. He says he loves me but we’re not compatible, and this all happens because of one argument. He has now decided to end our relationship.
For context, we’ve been together for five years and I don’t understand how a small argument brought him to a point where he insists on breaking up. I’m extremely confused and hurt while trying to figure out how to fix this. I’m wondering if this is actually a compatibility issue or if there is something deeper that I can’t seem to realize.
This has never happened before and I’m losing my mind wondering if we’ll ever be the same couple again. Please help me understand how to handle this situation!
Dear Anon,
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Five years is a long time to be with someone and ending the relationship so abruptly is extremely painful and distressing.
When a partner suddenly introduces the idea of a breakup after an argument, it will naturally cause a lot of confusion and your mind will naturally search for deeper meanings.
Even if he says it’s because of a fight, relationships usually end not because of a fight, but because that fight touches on an old hurt, an unmet need, or a long-standing frustration or resentment that has never been fully expressed. Often, the argument becomes a gateway to something that was already simmering beneath the surface.
This doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over for good, it means there’s more beneath the surface.
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Here’s what could happen:
- It may be outdated, not just finished: Sometimes people talk about compatibility when they’re really feeling emotional fatigue, fear, or uncertainty. Ending things may seem easier than having difficult, uncomfortable conversations.
- His reaction may reflect his inner world, not your relationship as a whole: People with avoidant tendencies often withdraw intensely during conflict. Ending something feels safer to them. Maybe something was triggered inside him.
- There might be unspoken resentments/unmet needs: Often in relationships, when there are sudden outbursts, they signal unmet needs, which may not appear until conflict brings them to the surface.
Let’s take a look at what you can do:
Give space: You may feel pressured to constantly fix things, but stepping back and allowing some breathing space in a relationship helps calm the emotional intensity on both sides.
Express your feelings clearly and calmly: Let him know how much the relationship means to you. Ask him what’s bothering him, let him know you’re willing to understand it and do something about it. Be curious.
Think about the relationship beyond this moment: Has he ever had difficulty with communication? Does he tend to keep quiet or avoid difficult conversations? What are the relational models? Did he suggest that he felt misunderstood or disconnected? Relationship models give you insight into the relationship.
Consider relationship compatibility: Do you think the relationship is compatible? How do you feel about the relationship?
Remember that a relationship can survive a breakup: Conflicts happen all the time and can be resolved, but only if both people want the same thing. You cannot force reconciliation. You can invite him, but both partners must meet halfway.
Start here, but you must first protect your own emotional well-being. Our nervous system tends to go into stress mode when something we were counting on becomes uncertain. Ground yourself and your nervous system. It’s important that you slow down so you can respond rather than reacting out of fear.
The outcome is not yet determined, but what is in your control is your clarity, your dignity and the way you present yourself and approach the situation.
Best wishes,
—Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neurolinguistic programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.
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